Bloody Mary

Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine. - Tina & Rina from Kindergarten Cop

Hubby stopped by the mall earlier as I was getting off work. We talked for a few minutes and said goodbye. Hubby walked back towards me, smiled, gave me that look and said, " Are you bleedin'?" umm, well, I.... damn I am

I'm a drug addict...

I haven't had to work since Thursday night and I won't go back to work until Tuesday morning. I showered earlier and cleaned the bathroom. I think I need a maid. I really hate cleaning the bathroom. I'm the only chick and there are three guys living with me. I like to keep the bathroom pristine or piss free whichever way sounds better to you. The only mess you'll find being made by me are my juice boxes that I leave around the house and baby powder. I love baby powder. I love the smell of babies. Clean just bathed babies, thus my love for the smell of baby powder. Somedays though, I get a little carried away.

There was one time when I had a job interview. I had little notice so I jumped in the shower, squirted powder everywhere and left the house. I caught a glimpse of my hair in the mirror and it looked okay. I never gave thought to much else. When I arrived at the interview I was bombarded with questions about drug use. I thought it was a little weird because I had never done drugs. I sat at this round table and these people were glaring at me and finally to end the interview they told me that they drug tested so this place was certainly not for me.
I left the room and went outside into the waiting room in shock. One of the interviewers came out and told me that he too had a drug problem at one time and he had gotten the help he needed. He hoped I found someone to help me. I still didn't get it. I got in the car, shocked, stunned, teary eyed and looked in the rear view mirror. Right then and there I peed myself. I swear!! I peed my pants. My nostrils were covered in white powder. I assume that after I dried off and powder puffed myself, the excess powder went up my nose and clung to the little hair in my nostrils. They thought I was a big druggie when in fact I was a clean teen.

I always check my nose now for powder. It happens a lot and I wonder about all the times when I didn't notice there was powder there. One of my friends has always said this of me, "You can dress her up but you can't take her anywhere."

It ain't easy being me...........

Fat Bastard + Herpes Hotel = Firecrotch

I swear, I'm too fascinated with Hollyweird. I need to find a hobby, pick my nose or at least do something productive. I cannot stop watching this video by Herpes Hotel and Fat Bastard.

I'm a Lindsey fan. I love her big time. However, if you show your hoo hoo to all the guys in Hollywood, you know damn well you are going to be mocked. I sometimes smell like diarrhea too. I've always got the squirts. I don't understand why Fat Bastard has a problem with it. Growing up we had a saying that went something like this, "Some ass on you, know you can't shit." If you see Fat Bastard from the back, you can tell he spends a lot of time on the toilet. So, if I was him, I would not be making fun of anyones diarrhea. As for the Herpes Hotel, well, you do not have blue eyes. Watch Law and Order CI and you'll know why I mock.

Religion

Wife: I think I'm gonna look into Kabbalah. I need a little zen in my life.
Husband: No fucking way. That is the shit Madonna is into. If she believes in it, you know it has to be wrong. I'd rather you read about Scientology.
Wife: They believe Tom Cruise is the next Messiah.

Eyes are rolled, middle fuck you fingers are placed at the back of throat while gagging ensues.

..... End of discussion

Hubby, hubby where for art thou?

I'm really hating being alone at night. I miss my husband. He called earlier. -sigh- I still get shivers when I hear his voice. I'm such a sucker. Geezus!

Note: I've received a lot of e-mails asking why doesn't my husband post since this is his blog as well. He's busy is the only answer I can give right now. By the time he gets home, it's snuggle love kissy kissy time. Do not disturb!!

Boredom

Hubby is at work. It's Saturday night and I think I might be getting the squirts. Oh lordy!!! I'm working tomorrow and our computer system is going to be down which is just peachy. I get to have people bitch at me all day long.

I really hate customer service. People are assholes. My Christmas was ruined because I had to work the whole time and every single stinkin' day I had people yelling, bitching, throwing tantrums and being mean to me for no reason. I swear if I wasn't such a nice person, I'd have cut their throats and ate lunch on their spleen. Bloody bitches! I hate people! I hate my job.

At first I really hated the fact that I was going to have to earn commission which means I had to sell, sell, sell sell, sell and well, sell. I didn't want to sell people something overpriced when it was cheaper in the next store. We have items for 40 bucks, the next store sells the same thing for 2 dollars. I just couldn't do it. Now, I'm rethinking having a conscience. These people treat me like shit. Don't they know I'd be rich and famous if I wanted to be? They treat me like scum of the earth and I allow them too because it's my job. Fuck them. I have had enough. Every single person that walks into my store will get played.

Then again, I feel bad, not everyone is evil. How will I know? hmm, maybe I'll have to pray each night after work and ask for God's forgiveness. Maybe I'll give God my commission if the person was nice. That sounds like a good idea, right? Right?





...........Get well Sarah!! I love yah girl

Hubby is sick

and I'm annoyed. Want to come over to my house for dinner. Can you imagine how much fun we'll have?

He's sweet

I had to work tonight. Blah!!! Hubby was out shopping and running errands. He showed up at my job and stayed for the rest of my shift. He kept me company because I had to work by myself in the mall. I hate being by myself in the mall at night. He even helped out and packed all the products away and even counted both the cashes for me. What a sweetheart!!! I've been so pissy all week and I know he has wanted to strangle me. I'm PMSing and I am not a ray of sunshine by any means. Sometimes, I think my husband deserves an award. Other times an enema, but mostly an award!!!

Now someone feed me chocolate or die a horrible death!

I admit, I was a wee bit jealous

Last night the hubby and I were watching tv and in one of the scenes there was a woman scantily clad wearing a feather boa. My husband made this gutteral moan/squeak when he saw her and I swear my world came to an end. I sat there frozen in the chair, crying inside, jealous, upset, ashamed and picking apart my own appearance. What did he see in her? Wasn't I pretty enough? Didn't he think I was sexy? Was all his kind words nothing but lies?

Brokenhearted, I sat there thinking how bad he must feel when I ooooooouh and aweeeeeeee about Kevin and I vow to myself that I never ever ever never ever ever comment on how cute Kevin is, how funny he is etc etc ever again.

Finally, after about 10 minutes of sulking, I tell him that I felt bad and I'm sorry for saying some other guy was hot in front of him and I tell him I don't want to know if he thinks a girl is pretty or sexy or whatever.

My husband laughs at me. He points and laughs at me. Can you imagine? When he saw the feather boa, he thought it was a furry white dog. I had not heard him say, "Oh a little dog." My heart was pounding in my ears okay, it was an honest mistake.

Actually, I had heard him say it, I was just so insecure I made up a whole new scenario in my little pea brain. I can't believe I do that to myself. Stupid, stupid girl!

Masturbating

My husband and his baby brother were conversing yesterday. Hubby was telling him about his new love for tools and the brother was telling him that he never thought that the day would ever happen when he would be that excited over tools.

Hubby: I don't masturbate anymore, I Mastercraft.

I love being all girl gross

"Taste it, taste the boogah flavor." - Chris Rock in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

While computer geeking this lovely morning, the urge to sneeze is just too overwhelming and two humgo sneezes from the depts of depravity discharge from my nose and mouth covering my computer screen.

Ooops, I did it again.

I think it's time to go get a cloth. Ewwwwwwwwwwwweee

Girl Pants

Wife: I did something really stupid today. I wanted to tell you but I can't remember it right now.
Husband: Was wearing those pants part of the equation?

Oh Snap

Hubby goes into work this afternoon and will be gone all night. I'm not sure what I'll do with my time. I feel so lost. At least I have a new episode of Supernatural to keep me company for at least an hour. Maybe I'll pick my nose for the remainder. It's going to take a while to get back into some type of a routine. I'm off work until Tuesday afternoon this week. It's my three day weekend and while I do enjoy the three days of bliss, I want to whine just a little because hubby isn't with me. I have to find something to do. We have been joined at the hip since we met. Even at his last job, I was lucky enough to be close by and work with him at times. This new job is private and I can't be there for most of it unless he is in the field. If I'm at work, I might see him and we might be able to take our breaks together.

We are the couple that would make you sick to your stomach. I don't like holding hands and getting kissy kissy in public however, we spend all our time together. We like going on road trips, watching movies, hanging out and just gabbing away. People hate us or think we are cute. Others just roll their eyes because if you want one of us, you'll get two of us. It's two for the price of one. You'll at least be entertained. That to me is a bonus!

more later when I'm depressed and have no chocolate to eat because I'm poor....

He uses sexy words like wrench, hammer, screwdriver

Hubby went window shopping today. No, he didn't shop for windows, he just went shopping to prepare to buy stuff. We have this big (new to us, 20 years old in age) house and we want to do the renovating ourselves. Hubby went looking for tools we'll need and as we were driving home earlier he told me that there was a cheaper version of the tools for sale at our local hardware store. I have stated in no uncertain terms that he is not to buy anything only Mastercraft and I will not have a reasonable facsimile brought into our home. I want a tool that is built to last. I want a tool with warranty. Hubby called me a "tool snob.." I should be offended but I just don't want this when I could have this sexy devil...

New names....

Hubby: Your new nickname is Babbling Brooke (because supposably I talk too much)
Wife: and your's is Freckle Face Fanny... (because his freckles are as big as chocolate chip cookie chunks)

Feed me Seymour

I'm flippin' starved. It's after 7pm and I'm about ready to chew my own arm off for a bite to eat. The smell of honey garlic ribs cooking in the oven, while delightful, is making me vomit just a little in my mouth. I need food. I'm glad I don't live in a third world country, strike that, people of third world countries are glad I don't live there when I have not had a bite to eat all day...

It's Friday night. Hubby is working until 11 and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my time now. Hubby's new schedule has him working both Friday and Saturday nights. He's always worked weekends especially with his old job and even though this is a step up, he still works the weekend. From October 'til now, he's been free every evening. I've actually liked spending the extra time with him when I get home from work. Now, I'm home, and he is gone.

Damn those ribs smell good!

Sad, so very sad

RIP Anna Nicole.... Sad, so very sad!!! I don't know what else to say!

The Joy of Cooking/Sex

I worked my normal shift at work today. I don't know if I'm on call tomorrow or not. I just e-mailed the boss to check and see because I'd hate to sleep in and then get a call. I'm a bitch when I wake up. The husband has the day off as well. It would be wonderful to be able to spend the day together. We love to cook and bake together. errrr I wish we could cook and bake together. We normally end up fighting. He is toooooooooo slow and makes toooooooooooo much mess. I like to use one bowl and rewash it. He has two sinks full of dishes and a counter that is covered in mess. If I spend a lot of time cooking, I certainly don't want to spend an hour cleaning up after. That is soooooo not fun!! Thus we bicker and pick at each other and the joy of cooking turns into world war IIIIIIIIII.

I hate my job sometimes

It's now 10 am and I just received an e-mail from my boss:



This is just a reminder to be on your guard for the arrival of the baby and that we might need you to come in early today. Please email back to let me know that you received this email.

Motherfuckingeezuschrist

Smokin' in the boys room

Hubby and his boss were walking down the hall at work when the boss walked into the bathroom. Hubby followed behind him because the boss was still talking and hubby didn't want to miss out on what his mentor was saying.

When hubby was telling me the story earlier, he told me that he followed boss man because he figured maybe he wanted to show my husband something. It took all of ten seconds for husband to realize that the boss was taking a piss and if he wanted to show something to my husband, my husband, did not want to see it!!!

I'm in a mood

One of the girls from work is taking two weeks off very soon and I am next in line to fill in for her. The boss called me at work today and told me she was going to call me tomorrow morning if I had to fill in. I didn't have to go to work until 2 but I have to be up and ready because MAYBE I might have to go in for 8.

Bitch say what?!!!

I got burned

Here's a little back story that shames me:

Back before I met my husband I met this guy whom I thought was gay. I even asked him was he gay and he said he wasn't. I, of course, believed him. I don't think people lie to me or at least I didn't. I've grown up, believe me!!! Anyways, I met my would be husband about a year into this guys and my friendship/relationship. Gay guy, or I'll call him gay guy now just so you don't get confused, 'k, told me he loved me. He told me I was now part of his family. He gave me flowers daily and always danced with me even when there was no music or a dance floor. I was swept off my feet. He was so romantic!!!

We ended up having a big fight when I had finally had enough and told him to make up his mind after he accused me of having sex with my would be husband. I didn't have sex, no way no how. We were just friends and I had thought that my gay guy would have a lot in common with my new friend. I was wrong. Gay guy and I ended our friendship/relationship and within the next year, new friend turned into boyfriend and then husband. About 4 months ago, gay guy came out of the closet. My first thought was, "We could have been Will and Grace." I would have been happy to have just been his friend. I don't discriminate. Hubby always told me this guy was gay but I still refused to believe him because he had told me he wasn't gay.

Last night I was joking with my husband about the conversation below about me out dating and my husband without missing a step says, " I'm sure there are more gay guys out there for you to date."

Damn.. Burned..

Ms Adventure

Hubby and I were watching tv earlier and a commerical for Ms Adventure came on. The show is about a woman who travels the world and does cool adventurous stuff. Easy premise, right?! Here is the coversation that followed...

Hubby: That show does not interest me in the least.
Wife: You're a boy.
Hubby: What the fuck does that have to do with it?
Wife: The program is geared towards women, not men.
Hubby: Men watch tv too.
Wife: and girls need adventure shows catered to them. The show is for girls. The only men who would watch would be old guys holding their cock getting off on some girl riding on an elephant. You are a boy!!! It's not for you.
Hubby: You are so outdated sometimes. (He walks over to kiss me and says..) I'm glad you're not out dating though.

Hey, it's funny to me...

Black Eyes vrs Blue Balls

Husband: It would have been funnier if you didn't speak and I called you Bob.
Wife: I don't want to be Silent Bob to your Jay or Teller to your Penn. I'm the funny one.
Husband: You are not the funny one.
Wife: I am so.
Husband: You'd shut up if you had two black eyes.
Wife: and we all know you'd shut up if you had two blue balls.

Nuff said, Wife 6 Husband 2

You look like a hooker, I mean, I love you

It's almost Valentine's Day and I mentioned to my husband that the only thing I wanted was Revlon's Sugar Sugar Lip Topping . It looks purty and I like to look purty. We saw the commerical again last night and I told my husband again that I wanted this so he doesn't go out and buy me chocolates or flowers. I'm easy!! This is all I want. I'm sitting in the chair covered in a blanket and he is laying on the sofa because he has had a hard day at work. He rises up so I can see his face and says, "All you need then is those clear plastic shoes and you'd look like a hooker."

Me: "Is that a yes?"

I saw Brokeback Mountain

The husband needed to be bonded for his new job. He had to send papers to the court and then he had to send more to the police to get background checks and to find out if he is a criminal. I’ve been bugging him by telling him if he is wanted by the police, I’m leaving him for Kevin Smith. He was being nervous because he has so much illegal stuff on his hard drive that actually going to prison wouldn’t be far off. Now he has to be a good boy and take his vitamins and say his prayers so life for him is going to change a great deal.
We were in bed the other night talking about all this when he mentioned that he had to change his ways and that with his new job, he had to clean up his act and stop downloading music, movies, games and kitty porn. The topic continued with him talking about how he’d never make it in jail and this is the coversation that followed…
Wife: You’re too pretty to go to jail.
Husband: Boy, you sure have a pretty mouth.
Wife: You could pretend you were retarded. Who’d want to fuck a retard?
Husband: A retard would.
Wife: Oh the shame!!
Husband: I’d rather be fucked by a big bad Bertha looking mutha fucker then by some retard. At least I could say I was raped by a bad ass but if I was raped by a retard, that’s a whole nother story.
Wife: I saw Brokeback Mountain and just like Monster’s Ball, it scared the shit out of me. I don’t want you to go to jail. Stop downloading shit from the internet.

Wham bam thank you mamn

You know you have found your soul mate when you wake up in the middle of the night singing, "Wake me up before you go-go because I ain’t plannin’ on going solo.." and the guy in the bed next to you yawns and sings along.

You want cheese with that whine?

Husband: You’re the biggest whiner I know.
Wife: I don’t whine.
Husband: You’re a vinyard.